Wichita, KS- In what can only be described as a crushing blow to an already fragile ego, Wichita local Aaron Gartenberg’s ironic t-shirt failed to garner the positive reaction he expected.
“I thought that maybe people would laugh” Gartenberg explained, “or at least chuckle a little. Most people didn’t even seem to notice it, or even gave me a dirty look.”
The slim fitting t-shirt in question was purchased from an online retailer about 2 weeks ago, and was awaited with eager anticipation by the 21-year old student. Upon receipt of the item, Gartenberg strategically chose the day in which he would wear it, knowing that all novelty would be lost after the first wearing.
First reports about the shirt’s reception at the local State College reveal that while a few people noticed the garment’s silk-screened humorous message, most failed to recognize the irony in the improper usage of the first word. “I think that made wearing the t-shirt even funner [sic], but I guess it doesn’t matter now” Gartenberg remarked.
The apparel was last seen in a crumpled ball, right next to the hamper.
Afghan Map– 6 United States Marines were killed today in what officials are calling a “small oversight” in reading radar. Apparently the soldier who called in the airstrike mistakenly placed the cursor above the green dots indicating his teammates’ location rather than away from them.
One of the Marines fighting with the fallen soldiers speculates: “We wouldn’t have had a problem if this was a Team Deathmatch or even Domination, but this is Hardcore Team Deathmatch, and here, well, friendly-fire counts.”
Reports from those familiar with the incident say that the harrier airstrike was actually not a direct result of a 7-kill spree, but was apparently acquired through a care package received by virtue of only a 4-kill streak. This was likely the reason that the mistake occurred. The young Marine, known only as MaDSKillZ500, was called a “noob” by his teammates in response to the mistake. In his defense, he promptly replied in a high-pitched voice, muffled due to improper microphone placement, “Ya’ll are a bunch of f***ing f**s. My ratio is positive and I don’t give a f*** what you say.
Although the men promptly respawned, some had to wait more than 10 seconds; valuable time which could have been spent setting up a sentry gun near the entrance of one of the various bunkers in the area. Level 70 fighter, Zanderbot, of the [(.)(.)] clan thought the event “small in comparison” to the other things he has seen in the past.
“I remember the days before the javelin glitch was patched. I’m just glad that we were able to get 7500 points before the enemy did. We had a great victory in the face of tragedy.”
A special interview with the kid in class who comments more than anyone else, but shouldn’t.
TC: Thank you for meeting with me today, I appreciate you taking time away from your classes. What is your major?
T: Lets begin. Many times I have sat nearby you in my classes, though you always seem to look different. Sometimes you are a heavyset male with a purple bandana, and other times you are a bewildered, yet opinionated, freshman girl. How do you explain this?
K: I think its probably similar to the story of the trojan horse. I look like a man on top, but have the body of a horse.
T: Those are two different stories, that is completely wrong. You are a centaur? I have noticed that you prefer to sit close to the professor, is this to be sure that they can’t ignore you?
K: I think I knew someone like that. He led troops across the Potomac in the Revolutionary War.
T: Are you comparing yourself to George Washington? Either way, it’s not quite relevant. Moving on, how do you feel about constantly annoying your classmates who would rather listen to the teacher rather than you trying to wrap your head around the material outloud?
K: Four score, and seven years ago…
T: This interview is over.