Wichita, KS- In what can only be described as a crushing blow to an already fragile ego, Wichita local Aaron Gartenberg’s ironic t-shirt failed to garner the positive reaction he expected.
“I thought that maybe people would laugh” Gartenberg explained, “or at least chuckle a little. Most people didn’t even seem to notice it, or even gave me a dirty look.”
The slim fitting t-shirt in question was purchased from an online retailer about 2 weeks ago, and was awaited with eager anticipation by the 21-year old student. Upon receipt of the item, Gartenberg strategically chose the day in which he would wear it, knowing that all novelty would be lost after the first wearing.
First reports about the shirt’s reception at the local State College reveal that while a few people noticed the garment’s silk-screened humorous message, most failed to recognize the irony in the improper usage of the first word. “I think that made wearing the t-shirt even funner [sic], but I guess it doesn’t matter now” Gartenberg remarked.
The apparel was last seen in a crumpled ball, right next to the hamper.
Afghan Map– 6 United States Marines were killed today in what officials are calling a “small oversight” in reading radar. Apparently the soldier who called in the airstrike mistakenly placed the cursor above the green dots indicating his teammates’ location rather than away from them.
One of the Marines fighting with the fallen soldiers speculates: “We wouldn’t have had a problem if this was a Team Deathmatch or even Domination, but this is Hardcore Team Deathmatch, and here, well, friendly-fire counts.”
Reports from those familiar with the incident say that the harrier airstrike was actually not a direct result of a 7-kill spree, but was apparently acquired through a care package received by virtue of only a 4-kill streak. This was likely the reason that the mistake occurred. The young Marine, known only as MaDSKillZ500, was called a “noob” by his teammates in response to the mistake. In his defense, he promptly replied in a high-pitched voice, muffled due to improper microphone placement, “Ya’ll are a bunch of f***ing f**s. My ratio is positive and I don’t give a f*** what you say.
Although the men promptly respawned, some had to wait more than 10 seconds; valuable time which could have been spent setting up a sentry gun near the entrance of one of the various bunkers in the area. Level 70 fighter, Zanderbot, of the [(.)(.)] clan thought the event “small in comparison” to the other things he has seen in the past.
“I remember the days before the javelin glitch was patched. I’m just glad that we were able to get 7500 points before the enemy did. We had a great victory in the face of tragedy.”
TACOMA, WA- In what can only be described as a once in a lifetime opportunity, local 15-year old Jaime Allen discovered a song which accurately portrays her current relationship using vague generalities and simple metaphors.
“I was in my room thinking about Josh when the radio like totally started playing this song that I swear was written about me.”
The aforementioned song was pop-superstar Kelly Clarkson’s elegant masterpiece “My Life Would Suck Without You.” Most likely written in shorthand in a small notebook amidst a time of deep reflection in the artist’s life, this song has been found to accurately describe the feelings of the Washington teen.
“Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too”
Pondering these profound words Jaime stated,”Josh and I have been having some problems because I kissed his friend to get back at him for going mini golfing with Kate. This song helped me realize that maybe we can work through it.”
It is not known what the chances are for this happening, though scientists at CERN are placing them around 1 in 2. With only a 50% chance of a pop song applying to her life, Jaime is counting her lucky stars that she was listening to the radio at that moment.
Prior to spontaneously erupting into her drill team dance routine, Jaime added, “I’m just glad that some people still write good music. My brother listens to some group called Bob Dylan and I can’t even understand it.”
SOUTH POLE- Killer whale Greg Hansen as been served a subpoena by the Fourth District Court of the South Pole this week relating to a matter involving him and a small Gentoo Penguin in the waters off of the Ronne Ice Shelf in the Weddell Sea.
Sources say that the Alfred Peterson, the Plaintiff was swimming happily looking for food when he was suddenly and deliberately attacked.
“I was looking for some krill or maybe some fish to eat, and all of the sudden I was running for my life. It was pretty surreal, I gotta say.”
Although reports of this nature have increased as of late, the case of the small aquatic bird is likely dependent upon how the jury feels about an amateur video that captured the event.
Judge Poseidon, God of the Sea, is set to reign over the hearing. Despite last year’s scandal involving mermaids he was re-elected and retains his seat for another term.