With all of the hype around Apple’s latest announcement, I wanted to get to the bottom of what goes on at Apple that makes them stand out from the competition. Anyone who is familiar with the corporation knows that secrecy is one of their top priorities. As a result, the representative I met with insisted on remaining nameless and wearing the mask and robe required of all employees while on the Cupertino campus.
TC: Thank you for meeting with me today. I have a lot of questions.
A: Well I hope that I can be helpful and make you cry.
TC: Over the years people of all ages have been mesmerized by the products that come out of this very building. How do you keep the products secret and be sure that none of your employees spill the beans?
A: Oppression. It’s actually very simple actually. None of the employees know what they are working on. Someone on one side of the campus is working on a microchip that insures incompatibility with non-licensed products, while another is crafting aluminum product into a shape with the same mass and volume as before, but different dimensions in order to sell more accessories. They never speak, and truth be told, rarely see their families. Oppression has been one of our main company policies since the early days. That, and white things. We LOVE white things.
TC: What is the creative process like? We have seen much innnovation come out of these doors.
A: As always, it all begins with a brainstorming process. Our engineers put all of the features that modern devices have, such as ports and functions, on 3×5 notecards and put them on a wall. Steve Jobs takes a sawed of shotgun and blasts the wall, and whatever is left, they include in the new product.
TC: And those features usually work very well. Did the shotgun toting Jobs being on leave have any effect on your last iPhone announcement?
A: Completely. We had a release announcement scheduled for the 17th, but when Jobs unexpectedly took leave, no-one was around to fire the shotgun, and we had to leave all the features in.
TC: Well thank you for the interview. How do I get out?
A: Just follow me through these doors and carry this rope.